To be vulnerable, is to give someone access to the things that make you cry, freak out, and make you uncomfortable. I think that to give someone this access can give you a huge amount of freedom because you would finally be able to share very openly and truthfully.
However, getting to that point of absolute vulnerability requires a significant amount of self work and a worthy person. I had a belief that once someone else knows what makes me breakdown they would use it against me. My fear of sharing my real self was greater than connecting 100% with someone. I realize now, that in hindsight that wasn’t the best move. However, I also was not in a place where I even knew how to share myself openly. I would always be the listening ear, and the go to person for all things personal but I would never share. How could I? After all, no one would understand.
What was I so scared of? Why are people so scared to share and be open? I know that I just couldn’t bear to have have my vulnerabilities being in someone else's’ possession. I could not imagine sharing my secrets with someone. Instead, I would deflect and side step deep emotions and I would hide behind fake arguments, tears about one thing but they were really about something deeper but I did not have the guts to share. I believe that many people have the same issues as me, they just don’t want to put themselves out there to be hurt. That is extremely understandable and at some point everyone feels that way, no one wants their secrets to be used against them. Therefore people close up and they share partly, but not fully. As a result we have many people walking around in relationship giving 60% or 30% or even 20% of themselves and missing out on something amazing by not sharing fully.
What can be done here? What did I do? I got present to the fact that by NOT sharing myself wholly and completely that I was missing out on some BIG love. I was missing out because I was too busy protecting myself from sharing and therefore I was pushing important people away. I got very clear that in order to have the life of my dreams I would have to strip down with myself first. Ask myself, what on earth was I hiding? What was I hiding from? Who was I hiding from? Of course the answer is me. I was not being real with myself. I wasn’t facing my own demons and my own nasty things that I was unwilling to deal with. I figured that if anyone found out my secrets I would be unloved and I would be discarded like garbage. Again, I did not think I would be worthy of all the love in the world if I was even a little bit broken. No one would love something broken, no one. Finally, I woke up. I thought about all the people who I love that come to me when they are broken. I love them more, broken pieces and all because that is what they deserve. People deserve to be held, listened to, acknowledged and LOVED when they are at their worst. I was and am ALWAYS willing to do that for someone. I just did not think that anyone would do it for me. That, right there is the highest degree of self loathing and lack of self love. I needed to break out of that habit immediately.
MY happiness does not occur outside of me. No one can make me happy, sad, mad or glad without my permission. I had to get very clear that I was worthy of everything that I wanted and in order to have deep, meaningful, long lasting relationships I would have to be absolutely vulnerable with those in my life. I had to be willing to put it all on the table and even risk being hurt but the reward is so much greater than ANY amount of pain. The reward would be a love so deep and profound that it would move me to tears by just the thought. So for all my clients looking for love or wondering why their relationships aren’t working, I urge them to check themselves. Check yourself meaning be real and open with yourself. Get to the source of your pain, fear, anger, sadness and anything else that would make you hide from meaningful relationships. Open yourself up, and allow love to flow from you so that it can flow into you. You are so worthy of a beautiful love, and it starts first with loving yourself. That there is the key to every successful relationship.