Love begins where the fear ends, right? It does. The beginning of love is when you acknowledge that there are some things in your life that may have really hurt and damaged you. It’s acknowledging that there are people who are mean and just hurt you and everyone else intentionally. It’s also the acknowledgment that we are accountable for our reactions to how situations present themselves in our lives. It’s a fact that our thoughts dictate the way the day will go, what are your thoughts saying?
Personally I have been there, i have previously held myself hostage often when it comes to allowing romantic love to flow. I am sometimes paralyzed with fear or numb and just going with the motions. Very rarely did I allow myself to present to the emotions happening right in the moment because I’m either anxious about all the things that the future holds or feeling saddened by the failed relationships of the past. I literally became transfixed in between the polarities of the past and the future that I completely missed the beauty of the day to day developments. Living in the past and the future makes emotions, thoughts and feelings fluctuate in a very unhealthy, erratic way and you lose all of the beautiful, subtle developments happening in the present moment. Literally I worked myself into a funk or anxiety attack and that shows up really negatively.
So what gives? What is it that has me doing that? I think a lot of it is recognizing that there need to communicate with my partner way more. I think of the movie Slumdog Millionaire and I remember how the protagonist won the show, not by being brilliant but because of his perspective and life experience. That in itself makes me realize that as humans we have different attachments and meanings for certain situations, words, gestures and other intimate day to day actions. While most things should flow easily, sometimes it doesn’t because things get lost in translation. What may seem like a harmless joke to one person, it make be an open wound for another. I believe that the way to deal with open wounds is to;
1. Address it with yourself. Find the source of that pain, and really take steps to healing yourself. 2. Communicate the pain, the story, what happened and why it hurts so much to your partner.
They truly cannot over stand how badly you are hurt if you shut down, act up and just bury the emotional pain. It will arise again and it won’t go well at all.
I honestly believe that divorces happen when the working together as a team happens. The team work halts because of a breach in communication, trust and ease. Hiding true feelings often is a huge factor. There’s always going to be one person who is more emotional than the other. I believe that as situations come up, both parties say the complete truth about what’s so for them and deal with the fallout accordingly. We hide, dodge and suppress because we are so scared of judgment and being completely exposed. What relationship can work if there is no promise of comfort and security? If someone isn’t safe to speak their truth then the deceit begins and really doesn’t ever end. That’s a danger that destroys lives, internally and externally.
I know that issues with suppression and deceit comes from being in a home where you cannot speak ones personal truth without it being met with ridicule, judgment and harsh criticism. Either that or no acknowledgement at all. As a result, we are very reluctant to share in relationships for fear or ridicule, judgment, harsh words or the worst of all just being ignored and not acknowledged. It’s something that many struggle with intensely and as a result if makes people question their worth, their purpose and it makes them worry for ones safety and comfort. That love in close relationships is very subjective and vary based on the person’s emotions. A person can become very guilty of doing that to their partners. You can go from hot to cold at the drop of hat if they feel like their safety and com for is being compromised. To be clear when I say safety, I mean safe to be ME, flaws and all. Many however feel like they didn’t have the room to be “ME” growing up and when they chose to be themselves and honor themselves, there was little to no support. That has results in not sharing often or anything at all because of the fear of childhood incidents being played out in real time. That can scare and paralyze oneself completely.
Can you relate?