Reflecting Confessions…. Deep breath!
I discovered that I really sabotage my happiness often because I am addicted to my self inflicted pain. I say self inflicted because the pain doesn’t have to be as intense as it often is but that’s a much better victim story to tell. After all if I am a victim, then I have no accountability to my happiness. If my happiness is taken from me then I’m helpless and cannot take it back.
This, my friends is what brings my relationships to a complete halt. I have a mold and a vision for how it should go in my head and a very particular script. If that script isn’t followed by the human in front of me, then things are wrong, bad and wrong. This is very detrimental and dangerous in relationships. If he is doing what he wants vs what I want him to do then he is out of integrity based only on my code of ethics (which he knows absolutely nothing about). I am a control freak and a dictator over my life and the way I allow my relationships to go. It’s not because I want to be this way…actually yes I want to be this way because it serves a part of my defense mechanism. I need to be in control because if the course is deviated then I am a mess.
This way of being has caused me many sleepless nights, it’s caused me close relationships, I’ve pushed away good people, stayed with dysfunctional people, lowered my self value, decreased my self worth and just dug myself into a grace of sadness because I want to be in control!!! The control is also a part of my story of needing to hold it together so that I don’t have to feel ALL of the feelings that come with love. I have to be right about being unlovable and nothing can sabotage that story. This right here is the truth about myself and the way I inflict personal pain on myself.
So what am I going to do about it??? Most things were just made up in my head and I didn’t talk out loud much. I talked a lot but not about my feelings. I need to break that cycle of complete inward conversations and talk way more. I have began to do so by really talking to those close, talking to you guys, and being transparent everywhere. This kind of honesty is scary but it’s so freeing truthfully. I carry so much inside and I just need to get it all out of my body and mind. My soul needs a clean slate to do so much more than I have been. Here is my commitment to myself;
Being of excellent service to myself and my community.
Being a phenomenal motivator who will continue to ignite the light in people everywhere.
Being an amazing woman of high integrity, easy going, free of stress and worry and pull loving situations towards me.
Being the healthiest version of myself in mind, body and soul.
Being the best light worker, intuitive and spiritualist that I could possibly be.
How many of you are going through the same thing?