I promise you that I am not a love expert. I am an expert at nothing except falling down and getting back up. I guess that’s a good thing, right? I cannot really advise you on what to do, but I can definitely let you know what I’ve previously experienced and what I’m doing now.
I know that my 30 year old self doesn’t love the same as my 16 year old self. The intensity I can argue is probably parallel but the method of arriving on that love is far different. At 16, I was idealistic, things were very black or white, and I always had a plan for how the love would play out. Anyone who has ever really loved probably chuckled at that because NONE of our visions of love go according to plan. The irony of that planning is that I was absolutely sure that I was “doing” love right. I said the right things, did the right things, and well that version of the word right was ummmmm MESSSSY!!!!!!! The way I arrived at love at 16 was a preview of my messy ass relationship/s to follow. After being married for most of my adult life (and about to do it all over again!), nothing can prepare you for the agony of a broken heart AFTER you’ve given every ounce of your devotion to someone who moved on as easily as turning a tabloid page. Seriously, the level of detachment that I’ve witnessed by this person, really makes me question my awareness and consciousness during that time. However, I get it. I get why I was attracting these very aloof individuals who simply could leave at the drop of a hat. I was too available, too concerned with not being left alone that I overcompensated.
What have I learned in a decade? Throughout all the heartbreak, fear, breakdowns, emotional and abusive relationship/s I’ve learned to love myself harder. Duh…that a given right? I know you’re not truly interested in the self love piece because that’s what everyone says. I mean its true for me but that’s not what I want to share. What I want to tell you is that the only way to heal heartbreak is to get out and socialize, you don’t have to go through it alone! I do a lot of self work. All my readers should know by now, I meditate, I say affirmations and all that good stuff. However, I was still sitting back with my heart on the shelf because I didn’t want to dent the work that I was doing. I didn’t want to mess up everything that I took to build within myself! I didn’t want to risk having my heart broken again after all I did to heal!!!!!! That sounds so dumb now that I write it. Lol!!! I’m laughing at myself because there’s no practicality in healing myself only to stay off the “court”. A truly healed me would step back into the game of life and love and simply enjoy all that flows with it. At 16 there was a destination for the love. At 30*, there is ONLY the journey to be concerned about. Hang out a lot, talking to various people and exploring this vast world. The limitations and hard set rules I had for myself at 16 do not exist at 30*. What I’ve gained is that it’s okay to not know what’s next. Not knowing is the best gift I can give to myself. The not needing to know every little thing is what guides my life now and damn it’s good to be just live in the moment.
As I stated in the beginning of this, I don’t know a thing about love. I do know a lot about myself and the things that make me happy. But that’s not my focus. My focus is enjoying who is in front of me in the moment. My focus is giving my attention to the light in someone but also paying attention to their shadows. My focus is being an honest communicator and requesting the same. My focus is being vulnerable because why not? The worst that could happen (and this is BAD) is that they would leave after I show my hand. Not everyone will stay and I’m sure I will get hurt again. Each hurt though, makes me stronger, more resilient and more loving. Each time a piece of me gets cracked, the deeper part of me gets exposed. The deeper the wound, the further the light has to shine. My heart breaks haven’t made me cold and bitter. They have taught me how to love harder, how to have compassion, how to be kind and be open to people in general.
I’m growing into the love I thought I wanted at 16. That kind of wild eyes, open, honest, all encompassing love is still totally possible! It’s possible even more now BECAUSE of the work that I’ve been doing with my life. At 16 I thought I could go from A to Z in one shot and that would be my perfect love. Now, over a decade later I know that I’ve is totally subjective and its more like A to square to 9 to apple to bunnies to N and maybe to 17. Lol…you feel me?? I don’t think love for me or anyone will be neat, sensical or tidy. I think that love is supposed to crack you open and make you grow into someone you love waking up to be. That’s my version of it anyway.
This was way longer than I intended, but you get my drift? Loving hard requires some work, some heart break and a lot of messy things in between. It’s totally worth it though. The funnny thing is though, is that if my 30 year old self told my 16 year old self that heart breaks are necessary, I would give myself the side eye. Ha ha. 40 and 50 must be really incredible.
I’m looking forward to my journey!