Let me share something with you....
In an amazing book titled The Normal Bar, authors Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte conducted an online study with 70,000 people in 24 countries. They were curious about what might be different about couples who said that they had a great sex life, compared to couples who said that they had a bad sex life. Even with the limitations of self-report data, there are some fascinating implications of their results.
One thing that’s very interesting to me is how their findings compare to the advice Esther Perel gives in her book Mating in Captivity, and in her clinical work in general, in which she assists couples in improving their sex life. Perel tells couples not to cuddle. She also believes that emotional connection will stand in the way of good erotic connection. This brings me to a key finding from the Normal Bar study.
Fact: Couples who have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are doing the same set of things.
Additionally, couples who do not have a great sex life everywhere on the planet are not doing these things.
Inspired by the Normal Bar study, as well as by my own research studies on more than 3,000 couples over four decades, I’ve identified 13 things all couples do who have an amazing sex life.
They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
They give surprise romantic gifts.
They know what turns their partners on and off erotically.
They are physically affectionate, even in public.
They keep playing and having fun together
They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list
They stay good friends
They can talk comfortably about their sex life
They have weekly dates
They take romantic vacations
They are mindful about turning toward
In short, they turn toward one another with love and affection to connect emotionally and physically. In the Normal Bar study, only 6% of non-cuddlers had a good sex life. So Perel’s intuition runs counter to international data. What is very clear from the Normal Bar study is that having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult.
Fact: Couples have a bad sex life everywhere on the planet.
The Sloan Center at UCLA studied 30 dual-career heterosexual couples in Los Angeles. These couples had young children. The researchers were like anthropologists – observing, tape-recording, and interviewing these couples. They discovered that most of these young couples:
Spend very little time together during a typical week
Become job-centered (him) and child-centered (her)
Talk mostly about their huge to-do lists
Seem to make everything else a priority other than their relationship
Drift apart and lead parallel lives
Are unintentional about turning toward one another
One researcher on this project told me it was his impression that these couples spent only about 35 minutes together every week in conversation, and most of their talk was about errands and tasks that they had to get done.
So, if we put these two studies together, what does it tell us? It says that couples should not avoid one another emotionally like Perel recommends, but instead follow the 13 very simple things that everyone on the planet does to make their sex lives great.