I incubate myself when I’ve been badly hurt. I line my cocoon with food, endless thinking but complete silence. I get tunnel vision on the past and the future is a place that’s hopeless, bleak and just as sad as the past and present. The present though is filled with my misinterpretation of everything that’s wrong with the world. My smile is totally forced, I sallow tears at the back of my throat but release them into my pillow as soon as I get the chance. I function to be my children’s mother but not very much else. I go through scenarios where I finally have a happy ending and even those are sprinkled with complete disaster before the fantasy ends. I reach out to the one who has hurt me only to validate and make the pain hurt more.
Looking more microscopically at the pain, I see where I’m at the cause of it taking so long to stop hurting, and what I’m making the pain mean about me. I have no control over what someone does to me…zero. But the reaction I have is everything! My reaction is to justify and validate that I’m not lovable enough, worthy enough, and anything that promotes my victim story. That part is within my control to curb.
So I’m wondering can pain hurt less? Can I train myself to be with my pain but not let it wreck me completely? That is where the mastery of thoughts comes into play. My issue is environment plays a huge factor on my emotions. Until I can make the best of the situation that I have and really communicate with the people who I HAVE to talk to then nothing can work. I have to be willing to be humble, flexible and do what it takes to be at peace in my life. The reality is that everything won’t always go smoothly. But I don’t have to make that mean something about me. Almost nothing is personal.
Nothing is personal. If I can remember that I would be golden. I need to remember not to take things personally. I need to worry about my healing and personal expansion. The rest will fall right into place.